Incessant speculations.

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Not Crazy, Just a Little Unwell

I go around with a smile on my face and an overall feel of energy. It’s funny how people take what they see and stop there – never stop to consider what may lie beneath the fa├žade.

In a way, that’s one of the things that keep mankind’s perception of the world at an acceptable level of optimism. If everyone knew what everyone else really felt, the world would probably be a far less cheerful place than it is now – and that’s saying something, considering the world at present isn’t very cheerful at all. I think that it’s because of that, that people learn to keep their emotions to themselves.

I’ve become quite talented at making people believe how much of a happy person I am – so talented at it that sometimes I actually trick myself into believing it as well. But when I sit alone and really let go, I realize that I’m really not happy at all. In fact, I’m rather the opposite of happy – extremely lonely. But I mean, who knew right? My point exactly.

When I say lonely, I don’t mean it entirely relationship-wise. If I was really desperate for a relationship, I would have been in one a long time ago. I don’t mean it friends-wise either. I have lots of friends I could hang out with if I wanted to. No, my problem is that at the end of the day I don’t have anyone to talk to about what’s really on my mind.

Casual friends don’t want to know how you feel about your life, or your thoughts about the direction it’s going in. Free passes run out, and though I doubt if the span of my issues would exhaust all of mine, I don’t want to trouble free pass-givers with my thoughts.

Ultimately, when ‘passes’ are involved it implies that you are being sympathized with. I don’t need sympathy, and I really don’t need advice. I just need someone who will listen, and not resent me for being a troubled human being. I’ve listened to other people countless times without resentment, and now I think I need someone who cares enough to be there for me…

Thursday, 3 July 2008

I am Typing, and Therefore I Look Busy

I've finished all my work and I'm told there is no more for today. So I sit here. Typing. Looking busy. And I will probably (hopefully not) be doing this for the next hour.

I think a lot of times in life we get that feeling of uselessness. People I know talk about it at times, but for me the feeling has a tendency of coming around more often than it does for most people. No, this is not a shout out for pity. I don’t need your empathy. What I need is a task that will make me feel like I am actually achieving something in the world, something that will give me more of a sense of purpose. Something like climbing freaking Everest!!

God, how great is this entry? Pretty darn morbid, I think. Right now, there’s a caterpillar on my desk. Don’t ask me how the thing got here; it’s like 1 millimeter tall with a billion microscopic legs. But this tiny guy managed to make it to the fifth floor of this ginormous freezing building. And not to mention, it’s a pretty brave bug to be on my desk right now. If I didn’t see the metaphorical value of its presence here right now, I would’ve squished it and tossed it into a bin.

So, as I was saying earlier… I need to figure out what I’m supposed to freaking do with my life. Where I am right now- I work hard to make my work so much better than it’s even supposed to be, and still somehow end up belittled by the people who are supposed to be impressed. Why, you might ask? Well, let’s put it this way: I’m like a cat trying to establish communication with a dog, minus the intimidation. Ok well, that example sucked. But the fact that you probably can’t understand it highlights my point perfectly. Don’t ask.

I want to be great. No, I need to be great. It’s getting there from where I am that stumps me.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

What Happened to Kat?

For the past 10 months, I've been away from this blog. At some point, I forgot how relieving it was to be able to say whatever I felt like saying - whether it was a long rant or just a random thought. This is my space. MY territory. It's where I can be as expressive as I feel, without having anything I say held against me (not that that was ever a problem. Those who know me, know that I'm not easily intimidated).

So what have I been doing for the past 10 months?

I am happy to say that I am now a college graduate! After a lot of hard work and, if may say, a lot of restraint, I managed to get through with a degree and pretty damn good grades to back it up.

About two months after I graduated, I started working for a real company for the first time. It didn't turn out being as great as I had expected, and I don't mean this in the 'real world' sense. I had no idea how unethical a company could possibly be until I worked for the devil herself. Yes, everyone, the devil is a SHE. And that SHE was the most tactless, uneducated bitch I'd ever met. When God rained down manners, she was under a Jolly Jeep awning stuffing her excessively wrinkled face with turon.

So guess what? I quit - along with the other two new people. And still, two months later, the brainless hag still admits she needs us. I wonder if that ever crossed her mind when she bragged to her equally obese friends that we were useless and unnecessary. Take that Satan.

I celebrated my newly achieved unemployment with a vacation to Hong Kong, where I managed to buy nothing of use and learn that the Tagalog word for monkey means thank you to the local people of Hong Kong (unggoy!!!!!!!! ^o^). I believe that is the correct use of the word. Yay for me!

I realized how well unemployment suits me, as I had lots of time to go to the gym, play the brain-teasing (and almost educational) game of sudoku, and watch movies illegally online. Ah, that is how life should be.. Until cash runs out, at least... Coz that could be a problem..

So after two absolutely blissful months of being unemployed, I landed a job yesterday. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually deserve it coz I really have no idea how I managed to pass the exam. I doubt if it really has anything to do with my analytical abilities, coz I felt like I real idiot when I finished it. But to my surprise (or rather, extreme shock), I actually did well on the damn thing! And they hired me immediately! Imagine that?

My ego inflated to quite an enormous size, only later to be punctured by the realization that I would have to do things much more difficult than that freaking exam, and that their expectations for me would probably be far beyond what I can actually do. So I'm taking advantage of the week I have to read up on whatever I think I'll need. Hopefully I'll stick with this job, coz it seems like there's a lot I could learn from it.

Moving on to more exciting news, ROVAKA THE WONDERFUL has honored the Philippines with her presence after over a year of being lost to us. Haha! So yeah seriously, she's baaaaack!! And it's freaking awesome! Yay! Will post pictures later on!

And so that concludes my entry for today. Catch ya later ;)

Monday, 13 August 2007

A Time to be Independent

Sometimes it just doesn’t do to lean on other people to keep yourself upright. Some people take the time to learn how to balance themselves and to stand on their own, while others skip the process entirely and instead burden their peers with their weight. There are so many things that we could call this; indolence, dependence, even self-centeredness.

In my opinion, these people are the ones who get in the way of progress. They disrupt the whole productive and meaningful process that we call life, and multiply to dominate the population and thus create an inferior race. Harsh? I don’t think so. Just honest.

Recently, a friend of mine – one of the few remaining intellects in the enormous joke that we call school – was kicked out of his class for what his [incredibly dense] professor called, “assaulting” the presenters.

The situation had been simple enough. The group had been assigned a topic to report on, and my friend had naturally wanted to benefit from the report. He could not see the relevance of the information being presented, and therefore asked reasonable questions to clarify the presenting group’s point. No provocative language had been used, nor did his tone of voice imply any sort of violence or intention to “assault”. However his questioning of the presenters, according to the professor, was out of line; and my friend had been asked to leave the class permanently.

I find this disturbing. First of all, it was an assigned presentation. The topic was given, and so was the time constraint. Now if these students had been responsible, then they would have done their research properly and made sure they understood the subject matter thoroughly; because how are you supposed to teach people something that you yourself can hardly comprehend?

Second of all, the professor should have intervened if she found any student’s approach offensive. She should have then explained the answer herself in order to clarify the matter and eliminate whatever issue had arisen from the offending question. And did it ever occur to this professor that if those students had done their research properly then they might not have looked like a bunch of goggling idiots when asked questions that were completely relevant?

The real world is a bitch; this is just practice. These people rely too much on the chance that the professor is just going to let it slip that they are totally ignorant regarding what their topic is about, and further disregard the fact that all they did was paste a bunch of seemingly relevant information from Wikipedia. Keywords: seemingly relevant.

I doubt if people like this will make it very far in what everyone calls “the real world.” Because in this so-called real world, independence seems to be the primary factor that answers the question of whether or not we will survive; with “survival” being the attainment of our goals and contentment in life.

Our generation continues to disappoint me, as I am sure it does everyone else who gives thought to matters like these. I have a feeling that the seemingly insignificant behavior and downfalls of the people around us – the people of our generation – translates into more than just individual disappointments.

But who knows these things anyway, right…?

Sunday, 15 July 2007

On People and Change

Everyone is unique. We all have our individual personalities that basically define who we are. It determines the way in which we socialize, and our own approaches in relating to people. It also very subtly determines who we mingle with, and who can and cannot put up with us.

The question is this: can people change?

I often hear people talking about changing their significant-others, or even changing for their significant-others. I’m sure you’ve heard about those. Honestly, who hasn’t? It’s a bit pathetic in my opinion. And let me clarify why I think so lowly of the idea.

You cannot change people. Period. You know why? Because people in general do not change. It just doesn’t work that way.

As much as we would like to think that we mean enough to someone to actually change their outlook and convince them to alter their personality, the concept of it is total crap.

Again you ask why. But instead of further bashing the idea, I will give an example.

Let’s say I have a boyfriend. We’ll call him John. John is a sex-obsessed crack-head. I stick with him because my friends use the ever-popular myth to convince me that I can change him. But it doesn’t matter how much I try to change John, because he will always be a sex-obsessed crack-head. The most he can possibly do is suppress his obsession for sex, which will most probably result in an increase of smoking-up and possibly even an increase in masturbation.

God, I learned so much in economics.

My point is that John will still be the same sex-obsessed crack-head at the end of the line (just probably more distressed than he was initially).

Now I’ve made my point, so let’s move on to people voluntarily changing for others. It’s all still the same concept. If you say that you’re going to change for someone, you are mostly just fooling yourself. A change may occur, but since it is only for the pleasure of others, this type of change will be – undoubtedly – temporary.

Some people appear to change when the meet the “right person.” Most of the time, it is only because the character of the significant-other compensates for the lack-of-character of the subject. I’m pretty sure that this is why we get a false impression of change in some people. But in reality, they’re all the same idiots; only our perception changes.

Of course, all of this is purely theoretical and based on my own observations of people. If you choose to agree with me, then welcome to the club. If, however, you think that all this “change for the sake of love” may actually be a reality, then please spare me and get your ass to the back of the short bus.

People only change when life-and-death types of circumstances require that change. What works better than scaring people shitless? Of course, nothing! Change for the sake of love is a myth in my opinion. It’s just not going to happen. Ask your boyfriends. They’ll agree. I’ll have fans.

I’m a cynic, I know. I learned from the best.

Monday, 9 July 2007

We're All Just A Bunch of Walking Contradictions

I think it is ironic how people in general tend to make decisions that go against their morals. I have seen so many cases of it; I’ve even been one of those people more often than not. It is due to my recent realization of this that I decided to write on this particular topic.

Why do we do things we know are wrong? Why do we stick with people we know we’re going to hurt in the end? And why, why is it that we insist on always being right?

As far as answering these questions, I can only go so far as to speculate. I assume that we do things we know are wrong because we believe that somehow the circumstances may alter. In fact, we hope that we’ll have a change of perspective that will result in something good; possibly even something that will make us happy.

We stick with people we know we’re only going to hurt in the end because we can’t bear the thought of hurting them now, and we reason with ourselves that in the future, this task will be made easier for us. Of course, most of the time we only end up hurting them more; and later realize that we’ve wasted their time as well as our own. But even in knowing and having experienced this, when similar situations arise we make the same choices and expect things to turn out better this time.

It was a wise man who said that stupidity is doing the exact same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result each time.

However, stupidity is inevitable. And it is also human nature. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much experience we’ve had, because the appropriate solution is so much more agonizing than the contemptible alternative.

Why do we always insist on being right? I’d have to say that it is most likely because we prefer to believe that we are right, because it is more comforting than accepting that we were mistaken from the very beginning. As shallow as this may seem, I’m pretty sure we’re all guilty of it.

You know you’re wrong but insist on being right for the sake of your pride. It’s not uncommon, and if you look at it in a certain way you’ll realize that we’re all just a bunch of walking contradictions.

...Or maybe it’s just me.