Not Crazy, Just a Little Unwell

I go around with a smile on my face and an overall feel of energy. It’s funny how people take what they see and stop there – never stop to consider what may lie beneath the façade.

In a way, that’s one of the things that keep mankind’s perception of the world at an acceptable level of optimism. If everyone knew what everyone else really felt, the world would probably be a far less cheerful place than it is now – and that’s saying something, considering the world at present isn’t very cheerful at all. I think that it’s because of that, that people learn to keep their emotions to themselves.

I’ve become quite talented at making people believe how much of a happy person I am – so talented at it that sometimes I actually trick myself into believing it as well. But when I sit alone and really let go, I realize that I’m really not happy at all. In fact, I’m rather the opposite of happy – extremely lonely. But I mean, who knew right? My point exactly.

When I say lonely, I don’t mean it entirely relationship-wise. If I was really desperate for a relationship, I would have been in one a long time ago. I don’t mean it friends-wise either. I have lots of friends I could hang out with if I wanted to. No, my problem is that at the end of the day I don’t have anyone to talk to about what’s really on my mind.

Casual friends don’t want to know how you feel about your life, or your thoughts about the direction it’s going in. Free passes run out, and though I doubt if the span of my issues would exhaust all of mine, I don’t want to trouble free pass-givers with my thoughts.

Ultimately, when ‘passes’ are involved it implies that you are being sympathized with. I don’t need sympathy, and I really don’t need advice. I just need someone who will listen, and not resent me for being a troubled human being. I’ve listened to other people countless times without resentment, and now I think I need someone who cares enough to be there for me…

The Secrets Of Flight

Check this out. It's tutally kewl!

I am Typing, and Therefore I Look Busy

I've finished all my work and I'm told there is no more for today. So I sit here. Typing. Looking busy. And I will probably (hopefully not) be doing this for the next hour.

I think a lot of times in life we get that feeling of uselessness. People I know talk about it at times, but for me the feeling has a tendency of coming around more often than it does for most people. No, this is not a shout out for pity. I don’t need your empathy. What I need is a task that will make me feel like I am actually achieving something in the world, something that will give me more of a sense of purpose. Something like climbing freaking Everest!!

God, how great is this entry? Pretty darn morbid, I think. Right now, there’s a caterpillar on my desk. Don’t ask me how the thing got here; it’s like 1 millimeter tall with a billion microscopic legs. But this tiny guy managed to make it to the fifth floor of this ginormous freezing building. And not to mention, it’s a pretty brave bug to be on my desk right now. If I didn’t see the metaphorical value of its presence here right now, I would’ve squished it and tossed it into a bin.

So, as I was saying earlier… I need to figure out what I’m supposed to freaking do with my life. Where I am right now- I work hard to make my work so much better than it’s even supposed to be, and still somehow end up belittled by the people who are supposed to be impressed. Why, you might ask? Well, let’s put it this way: I’m like a cat trying to establish communication with a dog, minus the intimidation. Ok well, that example sucked. But the fact that you probably can’t understand it highlights my point perfectly. Don’t ask.

I want to be great. No, I need to be great. It’s getting there from where I am that stumps me.

What Happened to Kat?

For the past 10 months, I've been away from this blog. At some point, I forgot how relieving it was to be able to say whatever I felt like saying - whether it was a long rant or just a random thought. This is my space. MY territory. It's where I can be as expressive as I feel, without having anything I say held against me (not that that was ever a problem. Those who know me, know that I'm not easily intimidated).

So what have I been doing for the past 10 months?

I am happy to say that I am now a college graduate! After a lot of hard work and, if may say, a lot of restraint, I managed to get through with a degree and pretty damn good grades to back it up.

About two months after I graduated, I started working for a real company for the first time. It didn't turn out being as great as I had expected, and I don't mean this in the 'real world' sense. I had no idea how unethical a company could possibly be until I worked for the devil herself. Yes, everyone, the devil is a SHE. And that SHE was the most tactless, uneducated bitch I'd ever met. When God rained down manners, she was under a Jolly Jeep awning stuffing her excessively wrinkled face with turon.

So guess what? I quit - along with the other two new people. And still, two months later, the brainless hag still admits she needs us. I wonder if that ever crossed her mind when she bragged to her equally obese friends that we were useless and unnecessary. Take that Satan.

I celebrated my newly achieved unemployment with a vacation to Hong Kong, where I managed to buy nothing of use and learn that the Tagalog word for monkey means thank you to the local people of Hong Kong (unggoy!!!!!!!! ^o^). I believe that is the correct use of the word. Yay for me!

I realized how well unemployment suits me, as I had lots of time to go to the gym, play the brain-teasing (and almost educational) game of sudoku, and watch movies illegally online. Ah, that is how life should be.. Until cash runs out, at least... Coz that could be a problem..

So after two absolutely blissful months of being unemployed, I landed a job yesterday. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually deserve it coz I really have no idea how I managed to pass the exam. I doubt if it really has anything to do with my analytical abilities, coz I felt like I real idiot when I finished it. But to my surprise (or rather, extreme shock), I actually did well on the damn thing! And they hired me immediately! Imagine that?

My ego inflated to quite an enormous size, only later to be punctured by the realization that I would have to do things much more difficult than that freaking exam, and that their expectations for me would probably be far beyond what I can actually do. So I'm taking advantage of the week I have to read up on whatever I think I'll need. Hopefully I'll stick with this job, coz it seems like there's a lot I could learn from it.

Moving on to more exciting news, ROVAKA THE WONDERFUL has honored the Philippines with her presence after over a year of being lost to us. Haha! So yeah seriously, she's baaaaack!! And it's freaking awesome! Yay! Will post pictures later on!

And so that concludes my entry for today. Catch ya later ;)